Irritation episode

It is 4 AM, and I've been missing a few weeks because I've been dealing with my brother's death. I'm back now and trying to get back into the rhythm of things. This will probably be a shorter episode, but I wanted to get some things off my chest and sort of talk about how I'm feeling. I've been showing signs of a depressive episode but in a weird way. It's almost like I'm what they used to call bipolar, which is manic-depressive. I feel like maybe I'm in a mixed episode. Which I've talked about before, and it's an uncomfortable position to be in. I'd rather be one or the other than both at the same time.

I wanted to share this experience so that if there's someone out there feeling like you're in a weird place right now, you're not alone.

I've been irritable the past few days

    Like my blood has run hot, which is weird because I'm always cold

    I feel like just pissed all the time right now for no reason

I've been more sleepy, not fatigued but just like I want to sleep more

That's weird for me, because I only sleep about 4 hours a night anyway

I have a lack of emotion in the sense of I just don't give a shit

    And not that I don't have empathy or sympathy or anything like that

    Just more that I feel kind of numb when it comes to emotion.

    I will say that when I'm like this, I feel like I want to cry for no reason

    all the time.

I have a lack of motivation to do anything

    I think I may have hit a burnout point

    I've lost interest in most things

    Even this podcast which makes me happy to make has been not really a chore but just     something I felt I "HAD" to do not something I "WANT" to do

I wonder how much my sleep is affecting all of this. I've tried to adjust my meds, but that's not working to help my irritation.

Sometimes it's hard to tell what's bipolar and what's just me being pissed, if that makes sense.

Like with my irritation, I know that this is a bipolar thing because I'm getting upset over small things.

I'm naturally a high-strung person, so I do get irritated easily, but I'm usually pretty good about letting the small things just kind of roll off my back, but when I'm in an episode of some kind my moods are elevated, and apparently so is my irritation level.

I apologize this is a shorter episode and there's not a lot of information in it like I normally have, I just wanted to get this off my chest and hopefully let someone else know that they're not alone.

If you have bipolar disorder, and you're feeling like this, you're not alone. I can't really give any good advice because I'm still figuring this shit out myself, but at least know that you're not the only one struggling.

And remember, you don't have to sit in the dark alone.