Being Bipolar and A Student

• Let me just start this by saying that I spent a lot of time thinking about times in my life where my bipolar really was an issue for my schooling, and the only real issues are when I was bipolar. 

• I think my earliest memories are in elementary school and finding it hard to focus.

• Now that’s probably due to the ADHD, but I also remember going through  

• I remember getting pneumonia and missing 2 weeks and when I got back I felt so overwhelmed that I just shut down. I started failing work and they started sending home notes. Which of course I forged my parent's signature on until I got caught.

• Which wouldn’t have happened except I got cocky and tried to sign it on the bumpy ass bus and fucked it all up.

• As far as school goes, when I was younger It's hard to really discuss how it was because    I was undiagnosed and had no idea what was going on. I would say that I was manic for most of my young life, mixed with severe bouts of depression.

• The manic phases were intense though because I was very promiscuous. I had a girlfriend who I think had some kind of neurodiverency as well, but we fucked everywhere we could. The stairs in the hall at school, the bathrooms at school, the mall, the movies. And then there were the drugs and alcohol. 

• I was an angry youth (very “punk rock”) in air quotes. I would spend days without sleep and find ways to pass the time, like learning JavaScript so that I could make my MySpace better than everyone else’s. I was actually pretty good at it. Or when I started a blog where I just put my poetry and song lyrics because I couldn’t keep them in my room for fear my mom might find them. Not that they were anything bad, but my mom is super-conservative, and it might not have gone over well. Like she once made me rip up my Misfits shirt because she didn’t like the lyrics to one song. 

• I would fall asleep in class because I was so tired from not sleeping for 3 days, and so my grades suffered. Which led to the overwhelming feelings and then depression. 

• What’s crazy is that my parents didn’t notice. They just thought I was a moody teenager. And that’s due mostly to the fact that where we’re from in Texas, mental health isn’t a big issue. So GOV Abbot if you’re listening, please focus more on mental health in TX, it’s so important.

• High school was rough because it was like rapid cycling between being manic and promiscuous and being so depressed that I cut my self in secret. 

• Now that I’m an adult in College, some of the biggest challenges that I face are the down phases. When I get overwhelmed, I shut down. Which leads to depression, and then I can’t get out of bed for days.

• The problem with that is that most professors understand that to an extent, but they don’t really get it. And you try to explain it to them, but you just sound like a fucking raving lunatic, and it’s sort of embarrassing. 

• What’s worse is that when I’m like that it’s so hard for me to get up to take a piss, let alone write an email about how I’m feeling to a person I barely know to let them know that I’m basically in a battle for middle earth and losing horrifically.

• I know that’s probably a horrible reference, but I don’t give a shit, it worked for me. 

• When I’m manic, it’s fucking great because I get all my work done and then I get ahead. The problem with that though is that I can get hyperfocused and then lose interest in everything else and then eventually get burned out and lose interest in everything and then here we are back at depression. 

• For me, my bipolar really shines through when I get overwhelmed.

• Luckily, I go to a school where the professors are “understanding” even if they don’t truly understand. The only thing they really know is that people with bipolar commit suicide, and they don’t want to be the cause. At least that’s how it feels. It’s more like they don’t “want blood on their hands” so they act all compassionate about it. And maybe they truly are, but it’s hard to really trust that when your whole life you’ve had to hide a large part of yourself and now that it’s out in the open you don’t know who you can trust with it. 

• I would say that if there are resources at your school, reach out to them. If you feel like they don’t  truly understand you, educate them. Talk with them and tell them what it’s really like to walk a day in your shoes. Most of them think they have an idea, but really have no idea. It’s easy to read about it in a book or see a documentary, but to see it or live with someone who has bipolar is something completely different. 

• I’d really like to hear what your school life is like if you have bipolar or any mental health issue.  If you have any requests please let me know, and I’ll try to pump something out.